Meet the workers and management at Klepto Incorporated!


“Free” Will is the big-mouthed, “mature” leader of the orphans. Bossy after keeping his pals alive for years under state and capital. The only literate orphan, having learned from the backs of cereal boxes. Prone to ill-fated escape attempts to gain freedom. Dreams of organizing an orphan union and finding his unknown parents.

Mr. Parasite is the cruel, profit-obsessed CEO of Klepto Inc. Connected to wealthy clients, Parasite sets up orphan temp jobs for the kids. On his third wife and fourth blood pressure medication, Parasite has no relationship with his son Rich. Wealthy and successful, but still feels empty inside. Cold, drinks heavily.

“Average” Joe is a regular guy. Will’s best friend for years in the orphanage, Joe is fun-loving to the point of self-injury. Somewhat lazy and greedy, yet Joe has on several occasions sacrificed material gain to help Will and the other orphans. Goofy and impulsive, Joe dreams of building a gambling empire with his street craps winnings as seed money.


Ms. Spineless is the longtime Klepto Incorporated intern. Dolores Spineless does Mr. Parasite’s dirty work for an invisible wage and negligible course credit. Constantly torn between her basic human decency and her job. Known to cry when the orphans call her “mommy.”

“Filthy” Rich is the entitled dick son of Mr. Parasite. Rich is consumed with impressing his cold and often absent father. Selfish and petty, Rich often takes the hall monitor role, and has the bruises to show for it.

“Shrinking” Violet struggles for attention among a bunch of rowdy boy orphans. Shy and timid, Violet draws comics to help cope with her shyness. Known to emotionally break down in customer service situations.

“Damn” Skippy is naïve, clumsy, and eager to find religion despite his terrible luck. Skippy was abandoned at the altar, when his mother ran out on the marriage ceremony, leaving him with his father. Skippy was dropped at the orphanage at nine years old when his father left to work in California.

“Crazy” Ivan is the bully of the group, hurting the others to feel less helpless himself. Extorts cash for his two pack/day habit. Alleged to have wet the bed on multiple occasions. Abandoned by his mother at age five, Ivan is the most emotionally damaged of the orphans.